A BEAUTIFUL MESS

There once was a time when I took pride in my ability to armour up & be strong, I was the master of burying my feelings & not letting anyone see what lay underneath. I was tough, I’d shrug things off & say that I didn’t care. I identified with being strong, I loved the physicality of sport and of being physically strong, it wrapped around me like a protective shield and to me that meant nothing could touch me. The reality of course was that I desperately wanted to be “seen” but that vulnerability was a mystery to me, I had no idea how to do that, let alone be that. I have memories of dropping my guard which, to my younger self, would simply came back to bite me, only serving as a reminder that it was safer to keep a lid on it. Vulnerability to me was not a safe place to hang out in as far as I was concerned.

At some point I found yoga and weirdly, at first, this was another place where I could be tough. I enjoyed that my body was strong and able to do stuff, I never really got into the very physically demanding practices but certainly I sought classes that would push me and enable me to explore my strength. However as tough and strong I was, I was also brittle and rigid. Easily hurt, terrified of rejection and underneath it all wanting a safe space within which to be seen.

Teachers would say to me “you need to soften” & I would agree with them but walk away feeling sad & misunderstood. When I heard these words what I heard was a criticism, it felt like a judgement upon me & my practice. Those words said to me, whilst well meaning & intended with kindness, did nothing but make me feel bad. I’d reflect on these words & think “if I can just find a way to soften then X would happen”. I started to see my toughness as a flaw and something that held me back. It was a whipping stick with which to beat myself with and to this very day I can access that narrative of shame if I chose to make myself feel bad.

Last night I took myself back to my long time teacher in Hong Kong. It had been a while since I’d been in practice with her and as always, it felt like coming home. Before the postural practice started we were offered some space to reflect on the purpose of our practice and in that moment the word that came to me was “connection”. As we moved into the practice, from the first chant to the last, the tears started to flow and for that entire hour I did not think about being tough or strong, I chose postures that would support me and I chose to simply let myself breathe. As I connected to myself I connected to a moment that needed to find a way to express itself. I was surrounded by people who knew me, people who cared for me and there was an immense sense of freedom within that. All guards came down, I allowed myself to be vulnerable and to explore the feelings that I had. Whilst I had not expected such an outpouring, I was not surprised by it. By the end of the practice I felt lighter than I had done in a long time, throw in some proper oxytocin inducing post practice hugs and I was on my way.

Vulnerability is hard you see, when we crack ourselves open to be seen, there is always that fear that maybe someone will see something that is no good, ugly even, and so unless we feel safe we simply can not go there, the risks feel too great.

Yet as Brene Brown says “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.” So if the purpose of my practice is connection, then it needs to be a place where I can be myself without judgement but sometimes when I am practicing on my own, it is too easy to get in my own way, to not allow myself the space to be ok with what I am feeling. Sometimes I simply need that container of safety to be created for me, I need to be held with love in order to let go. That to me is the value of community, of sacred spaces, of friendship, relationship and trust. Because it is within those spaces that incredible healing can happen.

These days I am able to see the value of my strength, I like that fact that my body is strong and I like the fact that I am able to walk tall however I am more and more exploring the softer and more gentle aspects of me. It is messy, it is up and down, it is not perfect but within that I see beauty, I see me and the me that I see is doing ok.