WHAT'S THE STORY....
It has been two months since I have written here and I am sorry for the silence, tonight though as I sit in my kitchen with a cup of yogi ginger tea and slab of chocolate (dark with a touch of sea salt for those who are interested!) I feel like I am starting to emerge anew from a fog. If you have read my blogs before you will know that I am the heart on my sleeve kind of yogi, writing this blog has always been very cathartic for me and can feel like my own personal form of therapy yet sometimes I can go through phases when the words just do not come, it is as if they are stuck somewhere, unable to come out. Then something happens, I suddenly wake up and realise that I have become trapped in my own narrative and all of a sudden the prospect of staying stuck in this story becomes more awful than the prospect of doing something about it. And so this is where I find myself now, bashing out words into the computer in the hope that something coherent will emerge that will in the process enable me to find a level of clarity and way out of the fog.
A few years back, when I was actually in real therapy, one of the biggest take homes to me was that our mind is endlessly creating stories. I think it is a form of self protection really, our inner narrative is our mind trying to figure things out, trying to understand what it is we are experiencing and then based on what we think we know, conclusions are formed and from those conclusions we decide how to act. If we were to lay out the contents of our mind, the thoughts, the beliefs, fears and worries, on a mat for us to see them, what would they all look like? I often visualise it as a messy pile of pieces of string, all different lengths and thickness, that have all been tangled up, all knotted and all tied up with other bits of string and when I am in a funk and all caught up within myself and my story, these knots tighten, they pull on each other and, a bit like if you had a really painful band around the head, it starts to hurt.
Some days I am able see my thoughts for what they are, I can see the knots and the messy bits of string and through the process of seeing them they lose their power, they loosen up and the knots undo and fall away. It brings so much relief. But some days, weeks, months pass where I just can’t. The thoughts are too big, too tied up and connected to past stories, the sense of fear and shame lurking too hard to let go of. It is within these stories that I get stuck, we all get stuck, and yet the prospect of changing the narrative can be scary. For as much as the stories that we create can be destructive and self limiting, we also cling on to them for dear life, because to let go of them is terrifying. Most of us are living through the same narrative for much of our life, it is how we see ourselves, it is how we believe about ourselves and so to let go of that is potentially huge. If we are not who we thought we are, then who are we and what then?
So here I am, back to where I exist right now, at the kitchen table, emerging from a fog of life and seeing some clarity on the story that I have been lost in. It has been a bumpy few months for sure, but there is zero relevance in me pouring out all that has happened, the details are not important. These are life experiences that we all go through. What though is way more interesting, and what is the work that has to be done, is the enquiry into the core beliefs that underpin the narrative and if I am to be honest with myself, then what I have to look at is my own sense of self worth. It feels like this is something that I come back to time and time again, and that in itself becomes another story, another whipping stick with which to beat myself up over. Why have I not dealt with this one yet?
So what is the solution? Well to me it seems that there is no right or wrong answer and certainly no direct path to finding our way to peace. Perhaps our own sense of self worth is simply a movable beast, at least for me it certainly it feels that way. Just as I find myself in a place that feels comfortable and good, something happens, some discomfort turns up and changes everything but perhaps that has to happen, because maybe being stuck in a place of comfort is as much of a bind as being stuck in discomfort is. But maybe we just enjoy the comfort more than the discomfort and so don’t catch it, it is not as painful, at least not obviously so.
Perhaps then the reality is that the issue is not whether we are in a good or bad place, the issue is that we are stuck in a place and the solution is to change it up, to do something that changes how you see things, to do something that brings joy and happiness, to do something that creates light and ease. I make it sound so simple right and truthfully it is often not that simple. Doing this sort of work can be hard, it takes discipline and determination with a huge amount of courage. Becoming unstuck can be confronting, aspects of ourselves may be revealed that we don’t actually like and we can feel a sense of shame over things we have said and done. And yet it is all that we can do, it is what we have to do, because it is the only way that we can access the joy that is our birthright. By shining light onto our darkest spots we may learn to be ok with them, to see that the stories we have told ourselves are not written in stone, they are changeable, permeable and certainly are not our destiny.
Tonight I am starting by writing this blog. If someone reads it, great; if no one reads it, that is great too. All that matters is that I wrote it, I put one word in front of the other and attempted to formulate my thoughts into something that made sense to me. Just the simple act of doing that brings some relief, there is a palpable sense of freedom when I hit the publish button. Putting my words out here is my way of saying “enough, time to change the script”.
The biggest challenge is to notice but once we do there are several ways to become unstuck and who knows what they may lead to……so maybe give it a try.
Ways to get unstuck:-
Get active - move the body with awareness
Pay attention to your breath
Do something that you love without any connection to the result
Do something for someone else without needing any reward
Find ways to address your beliefs, fears and worries
Address factors in your life that are sensitising to you
NOTE - Please remember that if the thinking becomes too hard to cope with, too painful to deal with, you do not have to deal with it alone. Reach out to a friend or if that is not possible or perhaps sufficient find a qualified professional to help you. But most of all be kind, be kind to others and be kind to yourself.
Peace x