THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE

"If you feel safe and loved, your brain becomes specialised in exploration, play and cooperation; if you are frightened and unwanted, it specialises in managing feelings of fear and abandonment." - Bessel Van Der Kolk - The Body Keeps the Score

Last week I talked about relationship and today I want to expand on why this matters.

When we feel stressed, we fall back on what is quick and easy. Our learned patterns of behaviour kick in, whether they are good for us or not. The nervous system does not know or care, all it is thinking about is survival. This is a necessity, without these short term mechanisms humans would not have done so well and yet in the long term they are inelastic, they are self limiting and potentially harmful.

Eventually though we may get to a point where the idea of staying in these behaviours becomes worse than the idea of changing them however in order to make lasting change the body and brain needs to feel safe enough to take a risk, it needs to feel safe so that it may lay down the armoury and adapt to the environment with new behaviours that serve us better.

These changes though are neurologically expensive, they take time, they take effort and ask us to dig deep and enquire into what we feel at the given time. This is often where we get unstuck because feeling stuff is possibly not some thing we are accustomed to doing. It may be overwhelming, frightening and perhaps something we just simply do not want to do. After all isn't our whole identity wrapped up in who we are, how we act and what we think? Take that away and then what? Will we be the same person?

Entering into an enquiry about what you feel in our body is not something we will even contemplate doing if it does not feel safe to do so. And why should we? If the ground beneath does not feel stable then it would be madness to do anything else to create more instability. It is possible in fact that that could actually be counter-productive. Throwing the traumatised brain back into the place of trauma in an unsafe and badly managed way, we know does not work.

So back to relationship and why it matters. Feeling safe is key to change and is key to the nervous system laying down new patterns, new roadmaps for your body and brain.

Feeling safe is imperative to the body and brain being able to find the resources for change.

When you enter into a relationship with someone that is built on trust, then to be honest you are 99% there already. Within that relationship boundaries are set. It is understood what your limits are, the process is not about kicking out your crutches and seeing if you sink or swim. It is about very gently guiding you into a place that feels safe enough for you to try out something new, something different and to see how that feels. To see what you notice.

It is a two way process based on communication and honesty. It is a process within which you may be compassionately heard and seen. Their is no "YOU and I", there is only a WE.

So if you are looking to make changes in your life, find someone who you can trust. Yes, find someone who you perceive as having some knowledge that may benefit you but do not let that be more important in your capacity to trust them. Trust will always be #1.

With loving kindness,

Charlotte